I need help. I feel like I'm cracking up or I've turned into another person. Usually having a pint or two makes me feel nice and happy but today it's made me feel more mental and I'm not sure why but it's scary.
I split up with my boyfriend nearly two years ago and I haven't been right since. First I was sad and couldn't stop crying but now I'm just a horrible bitter cow and that's worse. Apparently I have low self-esteem (I had counselling last year on the NHS) which I guess is obvious from the last sentence.
I hate myself and I hate my life (even though I have a job people dream of, and even though I don’t do enough to change it), I hate my social life because it's changed and I want everyone to be single and childless again, I hate the world too and watching the news often turns me into a screaming rage because everything seems so hopeless and unfair.
I'm dreading going to my friend's tonight 'cos I fear she might tell me she's engaged or pregnant and I don't want her to be and I'm scared how I'll react. Which is horrible and selfish.
I get into rages with my best friend too (in my head, I never say it out loud) because I think she's shit and doesn't help me, but I know she doesn't know what to say when I'm negative.
I started seeing someone a few months ago (I had to make myself date again because I have very negative feelings towards me ever meeting someone or at least it ever lasting) and it started out really well but he's gone more and more silent. My mood is so much more angry and more often low than not since then.
But I want to meet someone. I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. But I feel I can't be ever. You have to be happy and love yourself to be loved, right?
I thought about getting counselling again and had an assessment with a private counsellor but I pulled out because it was a weird set-up (in her living room with a sheet hiding half the room) and I'm not sure if I should have CBT to stop my negative mind, or talking therapy?
I just want to feel normal and not angry and hurt and bitter and twisted. I know there's nothing wrong with my life. I feel guilty when I watch programmes about people with awful lives and it briefly stops me feeling like this, but then I slip back and I feel I'm slipping further and wasting my life. More time is running out where I'm staying in the same job and living the same meaningless life and I don’t know how to stop it.
I don't even really wanna do the things that I used to love - like travelling. I negotiated a sabbatical but I can't even get excited about taking it. Feels pointless.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, probably because I had a pint and a half at lunch and it's stopping me from crying at my desk. You'll probably tell me to get counselling. I just want someone to care.
Sorry for the rant and thanks in advance.
This question has been edited for length.
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